So You Want a Marriage? Oh, Just a Wedding.

What is it about getting married?

**Allow me to first issue a disclaimer: I view marriage as a blessing, a gift, a sacred covenant and one of the biggest RESPONSIBILITIES anyone can ever have.**

In short, I think it's a great institution and should be the most intimate relationship one ever has with another human being. However, “getting” married has become an obsession in our culture, especially among women. I realize it has been the norm for hundreds and hundreds of years, but if we could go back in time and talk to our female predecessors, I wonder what they would say about the romanticized, glorified and idealized views of marriage and weddings that so many women espouse.

Allow yourself to imagine for a moment the following scenarios:

You’re a young woman living in ancient Greece, married to a man who views you as inferior to himself in every way and as little more than a baby-making machine. How passionate and love filled do you think your marriage bed would be? And, although, I'm sure there were exceptions, this type of relationship was typical and accepted in that culture.

Or, maybe your a young Arab woman who is involuntarily inducted into a harem and whose ultimate purpose in life is to provide beauty and pleasure to a man who was in no way exclusively committed to you.

How about a medieval European peasant girl? Maybe you fall in love or catch a case of adolescent infatuation masquerading as love for a young peasant boy. Perhaps, you are lucky enough to choose to be together because you are both so desperately impoverished that no one would benefit from gaining either of you as a spouse. What is your life like?

Well, for starters, diamond rings, dresses that cost the down payment of a home or honeymoons spent in decadent leisure are not a part of your reality. You probably would never even imagine such extravagances in your wildest dreams.
If you – the poor peasant you – is EXTREMELY lucky, you will produce healthy children, but not bee too fertile; survive childbirth; survive filth & disease, have adequate shelter from the elements and enough to eat year around. If you are really blessed, then maybe you would truly love one another and not begin to loath each other in the stark light of a grim reality and premature adulthood.

There are so many other scenarios to consider, as well. Barely pubescent girls married to men who could easily be their fathers, even grandfathers; women prevented from marrying because of their social position and lack of wealth; or women who simply had no options because a large number of the eligible men had been killed during a terrible war. This was the unfortunate position many single women found themselves in after the American Civil War. It as assuredly happened elsewhere throughout our world and its many, many years.

But, let’s get back to what I really want to discuss: the modern obsession with royalty-scale weddings. Maybe it started with Princess Diana and Prince Charles’ televised wedding. Who really knows? But the bankrupt and debt-entrenched reality we find ourselves in now is fueled by an over-the-top, entitlement driven mindset that says, “As a bride it is not only my special day, but a time for me, my fiancé and family to spare no expense as I indulge my EVERY childhood whim, desire and media-brainwashed expectation.”

What on earth has happened? All one must do is take a look back at the 1940s and 50s when many couples - even celebrities - had small, intimate ceremonies followed by a humble reception of cake and punch. Even the bride, often wore a nice dress suit rather than miles of tulle and lace.

Don't misunderstand, one day when it’s my “special day”, I won’t wear an outfit fit for a funeral and I will give my guests a great deal more than a slice of cake and mug of punch. My point is that the level of hysteria regarding weddings has grown so far out of control that the average wedding is described in many media outlets as costing $50,000. And, we’re not talking celebrity weddings or receptions held in the Hamptons.
In fact, I do believe in freedom and in doing things in the way that makes you happy, but ONLY as long as you are being responsible and wise. So, if you want a $10,000 dress, go for it - if you can afford it and if it is a veritable loss you can successfully withstand (few women resale their wedding dresses or would choose to purchase a used dress).

I know it’s difficult to hear, but the truth is: few of us can afford the lavish trappings of origami, chintz, calligraphy and flowers that we see showcased in celebrity weddings.

You see, what is so desperately missing from our culture is any sense of temperance, wisdom or restraint. And, it's obvious from the economic crisis we are now facing.

From foreclosed upon homes to repossessed cars to bankrupt lines of credit, if only we could resist the desire and expectation to indulge.
From brides and grooms to their families, the desire to indulge these material, fleeting fancies and the temptation to show off how lavish they can afford to be is one massive delusion.

Like a fairytale with a horrible twist, brides and grooms march down the aisle dressed to the 9, squandering their families' fortunes and often their own, and all too often enslaving themselves to the unforgiving tyranny of debt. In my opinion, this is a major contributing factor to the utterly heartbreaking divorce rate.
Think about it: you choose to use your and your fiancé’s savings and credit to produce a lavish show entitled "Your Wedding". You are not only producing, but directing and starring in the one time only event. And, you are even giving the tickets away for free. Except, for some bartering which includes some checks that contribute in a tiny way to the astronomical cost and a wide array of toasters and blenders (how kitchen appliances can a layman cook need?!). This is like the rough draft of "The Producers" - when it was a tragedy.

I know that some people may argue that my views on such things have come from being single past college, but they actually originate from a place of financial struggle. You see, I am a frugal and practical person...in spirit, but not always in practice. I've spent money that I will never get back on momentary pleasures and on investments that did not yield a profit. I have made a lot of mistakes financially and I still struggle with spending. That's one reason it's so obvious to me what a problem the wedding obsession has become. Marriage is great. Weddings are often so much waste.

Here's the truth: If I were getting married in the next year, I would choose an intimate and beautiful venue. Probably a small church or outdoor setting. I would wear a beautiful dress, that cost less than a month’s salary. And, I would decorate with a modest amount of greenery and seasonal flowers. For my intimate and selective guest list, I would have a nice dinner and dancing.

Maybe that's not your taste. That's okay, but be reasonable and be wise. When I think of the fact that many couples could make a huge down payment on their first home, two brand new cars, one student's entire college tuition, or create a huge nest egg for themselves with the money they are "expected" to spend on a wedding, it makes me ill.

In the end, it's your and your fiancé’s choice. And, whatever you decide, I hope that in all of the preparation for your wedding that you don't forget to prepare for your marriage.

And, if you are like me and are choosing to be single - whether it be for a season or for life, enjoy yourself!! Enjoy the freedom and the adventure of being single. And, don't feel bad if the whole world seems caught up in wedding mania, because it is often like a contagious disease that lasts until just after the honeymoon and cripples you for years to come.

Living Single in a Land of Marrieds

This is my inaugural entry for this blog and I'm writing it now - in part - to prove to my friend Ryan that I'm keeping my word. The idea for the title of this blog came to me a week or so ago while he and I were iChatting one another. The string of words just seemed to come out of nowhere. I don't recall that I was actively, consciously thinking about any of my mostly married friends, so I'm uncertain what gave birth to the idea. However, I'm going to run with it.
First of all, here's a little about me: I've always wanted a career and my ambition and goals are more akin to a vocation than a job. Yet, throughout my childhood and adolescence, I also envisioned myself meeting someone special around the same age as my parents were when they met (21/22), falling in love and having a family...and a career. In fact, when I was a high school sophomore, my English teacher gave us a writing assignment that thrilled me: write an essay describing your life 15 years from now - at age 30. Well, I can pretty much promise you that my life is not looking even a tad like that essay.
To sum up my romantic life: I've been in like, lust and, yes, I even think love once or twice. But, at press, it's just never panned out for me. He's never turned out to be the guy...yet. I've been hurt, I've hurt someone else. I've had my heart broken, my dreams dashed, you name it, I've felt it. And, more often than not he's just not been the right one for me.
All of this pain and pleasure; the rush and the inevitable boredom, the fantasy and reality...Well, it's left me exhausted. And, it's little wonder! I've been through all the stages: I began believing in love at first sight and destiny, became a surface cynic, stopped believing in soul mates and now I feel I may be coming full circle. I don't know how it will happen, but I do have an idea that it's a combination of all of those things. Maybe, just maybe, I'll meet him and from the beginning I'll be a bit smitten, but I believe love is always something that is grown, cultivated and which develops over time. After all, intense "feelings", including the initial rush of emotion must be coupled with many other things and mature over time in order to transcend mere infatuation and become the often elusive "love".
Even when we meet someone who has potential, we must assess who this person is and what exactly it is that we feel; moreover, why we feel the way we do. After all, a person has to protect herself/himself and look out for her/his best interest. Lastly, after you know you're onto something good, that's when you say, "Maybe this is my soul mate? At least for this time in my life."
I don't know if I believe in soul mates in a traditional, romantic way. I'm beginning to believe that we meet different people: some become friends, other lovers and they are your soul mates. For me, my lovely girlfriends, my great guy friends, my amazing brother and my devoted parents, whom I adore, are all my soul mates. And, one day a great guy will be my soul mate for as long as life and time allows us to be together. That's what I believe.
I think the most important thing I have learned by being a single adult is that you cannot rely on another person to fulfill you, complete you or rescue you from your life. And, this is one reason I feel compelled to write this blog.
Secondly, I am writing to single people who find themselves struggling with being a single among marrieds, couples, etc. If you are like me and have MANY married or virtually married friends, then I am writing for you.
Finally, I am writing to married people, or anyone in a relationship who has a friend who is single. There are things you should not do and you need to know what they are. But most importantly, you can be friends with single people. You do still have things in common!
So stay tuned....